


I Am Not A Coward's Son

by supernaturallylost



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Gen, a reflection of dean's pride and respect for his father, john winchester as a person with flaws and feelings, spoilers into season 9, takes place before season 10 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 14:08:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3939697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernaturallylost/pseuds/supernaturallylost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Dean is steeling his resolve and preparing himself for his final fight with the Mark of Cain, he remembers what brought him to where he is now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am Not A Coward's Son

Dean leaned over. He placed a sweaty hand on either side of the cool porcelain sink, thumbs just inside the basin to keep hold. Despite his taut elbows, he rocked back and forth, shifted his weight from one leg to the other, and inhaled for a few seconds before slowly exhaling. His eyes closed, scrunched tightly, and then opened wide. With his mouth shaped into a small ‘o’, he breathed out every last bit of air in his lungs.

 

* * *

 

“Dean, take your brother outside as fast as you can! Now, Dean!”

Dean quickly scooped the soft blanket into his arms, letting the weight of his brother rest evenly along his forearms. He held one hand over Sammy’s face to protect him from the fire, the smoke, and the fear. With his nose tucked down into Sam’s blanket, Dean ran. One small step after another, he ran.

“Mary!” he heard from upstairs.

Dean continued running while subconsciously pressing his hand against Sam’s ear.

“It’s okay, Sammy,” he whispered.

“No!” he heard from the top of the stairs.

A quick look over his shoulder seared the image into his mind: John Winchester, so strong and brilliant and brave, was backed into the banister and unable to reach his wife through the flames. John Winchester, so fearless and composed and intuitive, was denied the chance to say his goodbye.

Dean quickly turned and held Sam closer until he reached the curb outside.

 

“We’ve got work to do.”

Sonny frowned, unimpressed. He was just about to argue when Dean walked around him from behind.

“It’s alright, Sonny,” Dean spoke quietly. Dean looked around the two adults and saw Sam playing inside the impala while it sat idle. “I’ll go where I’m needed.”

Once again, Sonny’s mouth opened to argue, but Dean was already walking out of the door, his father close by.

Just before they reached the car, John Winchester leaned over to Dean and spoke.

“Don’t tell your brother about this.”

When Dean’s eyes rose to meet his father’s, he saw something shaking inside of them, something afraid. John’s eyes weren’t as focused as they should have been, and he was looking slightly above Dean’s shoulder. The moonlight reflected a pool of water just at the brim of his eyelids. Silently, Dean nodded.

 

“If you walk out that door, there’s no coming back!”

Dean’s eyes were wide. His hands were stretched out just barely in front of him, palms out in mediation. He felt the back of his neck burning, the tops of his ears red with fear, the back of his knees sweating. Dean looked from Sam to John and back again. Sam’s jaw clenched and unclenched over and over while he deliberated over John’s ultimatum. John, meanwhile, hid behind an angry scowl and furrowed brows. His eyes gave him away.

Dean’s shoulders fell when he recognized the look. It was the look of someone who knew he’d already lost – someone who knew he would be denied closure, denied the right to say goodbye. He already ruined his chance, and now he was suffering through his self-sabotage. Dean stared at Sam, desperate for him to see John’s anguish, his fear.

Just when John’s expression became less severe and he opened his mouth, lips quivering, Sam turned his back. The door slammed. John closed his mouth into a hard line.

 

“Where were you when we needed you? Where were you when Dean was dying?”

Dean closed his eyes and swallowed hard. The same argument, over and over. No one could win because no one would back down.

Still, when Dean glanced over at his father, he saw it. He was backed against the banister yet again.

 

“Okay.”

John tried to smile, his left arm in a sling. He turned his back, let his smile shatter, his walls fall, and his eyes close.

 

* * *

 

Dean hovered over the sink. Breath after breath, he tried to calm his heartbeat.

‘How do you know?’ asked the back of his mind. ‘How do you know you can survive this fight?’

‘Because we’ve always made it through before,’ answered one thought.

‘Because Sam and I never give up,’ answered another.

Dean looked up into the mirror, his green eyes set and determined.

“Because I am not a coward’s son,” he whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! Everyone seems to really hate John Winchester, but I find him incredibly fascinating and heartbreaking as a character. He has (a lot of) flaws, but he's human, and he does have some good qualities that you can't just overlook. So this is supposed to highlight some good and bad in him in the way Dean would remember.
> 
> Hope you like it! Leave comments if you have any!


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